May 22 2008 Raped student DJs 'Hot for Teacher' night

Raped student DJs 'Hot for Teacher' night with his wife and former teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau. Later in the day, cnn removed "raped student" from the headline.

Anchor ribbed for music vid bubble bath whatever you do today please don't watch this video. SO BAD. One "news" anchor makes fun of another "news" anchor's jeans. In retribution, the anchor with offending denim shows a video of the other anchor in a bubble bath with some singer and he is mortified. I don't really know why because he claims that it was his twin brother. SO BAD. *just checked the link- it is no longer available!

These headlines pretty much say it all. Cnn's quest for tmz-ness will stop at nothing.

May 13 2009 Burglars use doggy door

The family of this house hit four times previously by burglars is thinking of leaving the neighborhood. After three break-ins they decided to install cameras and found their dogs welcoming crooks with kisses and elation as they shimmied through the doggy door. They were dumbfounded that such a thing could happen. They would also be shocked to know that the fake rock housing the emergency key sitting alone on the concrete porch is also a liability.

May 8 2009 Oprah coupon has KFC diners hungry for more

There are many reasons why I find CNN news irritating and I would like to take a moment to share some of my top grievances.
1.non-news
2.prevalence of obesity stories
3.prevalence of fast food stories
4.journalistic sources like "Oprah"
5.news about what was on TV recently, especially reality tv or talk shows
6.cost cutting tips for housewives, which is to say any story in the "living" section
7. prevalence of mob or mob mentality stories
8. blatant lies/gross misrepresentation of history, recent or otherwise
9. confusing misleading or otherwise disorienting headlines
10. flagrant parading of our cultural recession and capitalizing on that erosion with cnn t-shirts


Today's story included possibly 9 out of 10 ! Yes, Oprah gave away coupons to KFC for a gratis grilled chicken dinner with two sides and a biscuit! Simply download the coupon which was available for a 24 hour period and present it to one of your neighborhood KFCs for the new grilled version of the perfectly rounded meal before May 19th (excluding Mother's Day, you cheapos!) Oprah did not fully know what havoc her gracious offer would bring. The web page was clogged and many could not download the coupon. Local KFC restaurants had inconvenient lines longer than polling stations on election day and many ran out of the grilled delicacy promising customers that the coupons would gladly be redeemed in the future when the cold storage semi truck comes again next Tuesday. Shannon Edwards of Baltimore said of the whole disaster "I'm a big girl, I like to eat. So I'm kind of disappointed I have to go to McDonald's now." Because of the mob, KFC has announced its "rain check policy" for the Oprah Kentucky grilled chicken fiasco which requires coupon holders to go to KFC and pick up a rain check form, fill it out, relinquish the original coupon to the store manager (or for the suspicious -relinquish 42 cents and an envelope) by May 19th and they will, at some unannounced time in the future, receive the original free dinner as advertised AND a free Pepsi for all incurred inconveniences. This means you have to go to KFC a total of 3 times for your free fantasy meal and once they get you in there you know you're sporking over cold hard cash for some of the colonel's spiced salted fat.

Also in the news today, a roundup of your favorite reality tv "news":
Will 'Jon & Kate' feature cheating rumors?
'Real Housewives' dish on catfights
TLC's 'Kate' deals with rumors of husband's cheating 'privately'
'Idol's' Allison inspired by Kelly Clarkson

and
British retailer admits bra boob-oo
Marks & Spencer apologizes if you were charged more if you bought more fabric


Thank you to all who waited patiently through my hiatus. Hopefully I will be back to drawing the news on a true weekdaily schedule.

December 28 2008 Man creeps into family's attic; lives there

Supposedly man lives in a family's attic for 7 days over the Christmas holiday. All was fine until things started disappearing from the house. He took clothes, food, a candle, and a laptop. Even a toothbrush. The police came 3 times to assess the robberies before finding him with dogs. Stay tuned, the police officer claims he is going to write a book about the experience.

also in the holiday spirit:
Man shoots talker at movies, police say at benjamin button!
Santa shooter carried secret guilt, attorney says
secret son was left a paraplegic due to his negligence
Secret Santa leaves cards, $50 bills
Brrr ... Penguin Club plunges into icy river

September 8 2008 Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

• 4-eared cat, 2-headed turtle cause stir
• Fannie, Freddie plunge again-who cares now that we all have to bail them out and the shares were dissolved. Plus, Palin will deliver us from big government and corporate welfare.
  
• 50-foot spider moves 2 mph
• Church not a sex club, reverend says kind of a jerry springer "news" story- hope there's an update
  
• Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

From Cnn's "Science" page Asia pollution may boost U.S. temperatures unlike, of course, U.S. pollution.

August 18 Boy gets wish, cow chases bear, dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs

Some highlights from last week!
Bush hugs bikini-clad U.S. Olympians
Scientists closer to making invisibility cloak
Plastic surgery cut by saggy economy
Troops pay baggage fees on way to war
car has 1.3 M miles
Boy gets wish: Seat on garbage truck
Cow chases bear away from apple tree
Mom shocked by teen's modest clothing
3-lb. dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs
Weeding through cnn is very much like dissecting owl pellets. If you pick away at all the regurgitated hairballs eventually you can piece together the rotting skeleton of a news story, but its just the infrastructure, devoid of all the life and substance.

July 28 2008 Beer marathoners run, drink, vomit

This reminds me of running the Boston Marathon. The whole route is lined with friendly comrades cheering and handing you weird things like homemade oatmeal raisin cookies or glucose drenched orange slices. I recall grabbing a dixie cup full of water from some anonymous outstretched hand and slinging it back. I was shocked and then mildly amused to find I had swigged a shot of vodka at mile 18.

July 21 2008 Camera sees car knock man across diner

Huge math error in Katrina supply giveaway - a new twist in the katrina supply stockpile mentioned last week- oops $85 million was really more like $18.5 million worth of relief items not distributed to storm victims. Silly counters overvalued the crates of sporks at $36 million. They distributed only $36,000 worth of sporks to the wrong entities.
Loud bar music may get you drunk I'm pretty sure alcohol is the culprit, but it makes a catchy headline`.
UFOs blamed for nuke missile failures
more inexplicable to me - all 4 guests speaking of the military UFO cover-up are named Robert
Camera sees car knock man across diner
he finds his hat but can't seem to locate his smokes.

July 17 2008 Snake in washer scares woman

Today's "news" headlines:

WIBW: Parachutist misses target, hits band
Dwight Schrute plays CNN weatherman the nuzzler from six feet under.
Cows' No. 2 is No. 1 on this farm
Biogas on a mass scale powers this dairy farm. number 2.
Shark jumps into surfing photos
Toy radar gun scares speeders a kid on a bike monitors speeders in his neighborhood with a radar gun.

Snake in washer scares woman
And then she immediately contacted CNN to come to her house and check out the 8 foot python. Not on my emergency contact list.

July 14 2008 Miss USA trips on gown...again

Three stories today highlight inspirational females:
Miss USA trips on gown ... again Cnn shows the fall again and again and again and again and again and again ad nauseum
Woman goes from trash scavenger to princess Indian woman who collected feces is crowned "princess of sanitation" in US
5-time widow loved cash, schemed, family says

Heroic troops repel at least 100 in Afghan fight Nice turnaround journalism. Last weekend US forces bombed a civilian wedding party killing 47, 45 were women and children who were escorting the bride to meet the groom. But Cnn reports on the heroism of killing 100 more afghans this weekend- yes killing, as in humans , not repelling, as in mosquitoes.

The military wants crusaders, not atheists

July 7 2008 Communion wafer held hostage

During catholic mass a student took communion and with great wiliness spit it into his palm for safe keeping. A church official saw this act of defiance and struggled to pry christ out of his hands. Both parties are pressing charges and the saliva soaked body of christ is being held hostage in a ziplock baggie in Florida.

Ralph Nader: Why I'm the best choice
cnn.com gives some airplay to Nader and offers a T-shirt. They even let him talk about the corporate interests of the other candidates until the host claims it's just the normal thing that politicians do. Nader, now at 6% in the polls, basically tells him that business as usual is simply not good business.

July 3 2008 'Cindy Brady' halts radio chat to vomit

Nice work cnn, Latest breaking "news"
'Cindy Brady' halts radio chat to vomit

June 30 2008 Furry outhouse among tops in race

If news of the administration gathering momentum for war in Iran was a little heavy for weekend reading or you are a bit nervous about that Swiss Bank account awash in untaxed earnings, don't worry.
Infinitely more entertaining is this video of an outhouse race in Minnesota.
As for the atom-smasher that could swallow Earth, I have no video diversion to recommend.

June 26 2008 Women spin atop escalator handrails

Women spin atop escalator handrails the mini coopster delivers hard hitting journalism when he asks a staffer to reenact an escalator swivel trick.

A report out shows that the major news networks have drastically cut back Iraq war news coverage this year.

"Almost halfway into 2008, the three newscasts have shown 181 weekday minutes of Iraq coverage, compared with 1,157 minutes for all of 2007. The “CBS Evening News” has devoted the fewest minutes to Iraq, 51, versus 55 minutes on ABC’s “World News” and 74 minutes on “NBC Nightly News.” (The average evening newscast is 22 minutes long.)"

In related/unrelated news: here is an interesting article about Ronald Reagan's son, the conservative talk show host, who has repeatedly advocated the death of "a traitor" on the air by firing squad, even saying he would buy the bullets.
"Tie him to a post, don't blindfold him, let it rip and have some fun with Mark Dice."

And by traitor, he means someone who leads The Resistance, a christian media watchdog group, whose latest project, Operation Inform the Soldiers, sends letters/DVDs to the troops in Iraq with information about 9/11 being an inside job. Here's a youtube video of him on FOX, which is amazing. I can't even believe he was given the platform to express himself as long as he was before being told that he is part of a fringe sect and his efforts (called hate mail by the impartial host) will be thrown in the toilet and the troops who are there fighting the Iranian-backed militia know why they are there. I mean, duh. We all know we are in Iraq because Iran has WMDs.

June 18 2008 Naked frat boys run wild in street

Naked frat boys run wild in street

June 13 2008 Secretive swingers club irks neighbors

Secretive swingers club irks neighbors

A front page headline leading to a content-less story of neighborly dispute.

This group of Floridians stays up late nights to intimidate guests of their neighbor who hosts swinger parties. They shine their flashlights in car windows, shout go home and take down license plate numbers for their records hopefully to give to authorities. Touted by cnn as "community activists," this group of party poopers is angry that "they can't live a good life." Substituting late night spying sessions with something worthwhile would be my first suggestion. Joining the party is a close second.