May 8 2009 Oprah coupon has KFC diners hungry for more

There are many reasons why I find CNN news irritating and I would like to take a moment to share some of my top grievances.
1.non-news
2.prevalence of obesity stories
3.prevalence of fast food stories
4.journalistic sources like "Oprah"
5.news about what was on TV recently, especially reality tv or talk shows
6.cost cutting tips for housewives, which is to say any story in the "living" section
7. prevalence of mob or mob mentality stories
8. blatant lies/gross misrepresentation of history, recent or otherwise
9. confusing misleading or otherwise disorienting headlines
10. flagrant parading of our cultural recession and capitalizing on that erosion with cnn t-shirts


Today's story included possibly 9 out of 10 ! Yes, Oprah gave away coupons to KFC for a gratis grilled chicken dinner with two sides and a biscuit! Simply download the coupon which was available for a 24 hour period and present it to one of your neighborhood KFCs for the new grilled version of the perfectly rounded meal before May 19th (excluding Mother's Day, you cheapos!) Oprah did not fully know what havoc her gracious offer would bring. The web page was clogged and many could not download the coupon. Local KFC restaurants had inconvenient lines longer than polling stations on election day and many ran out of the grilled delicacy promising customers that the coupons would gladly be redeemed in the future when the cold storage semi truck comes again next Tuesday. Shannon Edwards of Baltimore said of the whole disaster "I'm a big girl, I like to eat. So I'm kind of disappointed I have to go to McDonald's now." Because of the mob, KFC has announced its "rain check policy" for the Oprah Kentucky grilled chicken fiasco which requires coupon holders to go to KFC and pick up a rain check form, fill it out, relinquish the original coupon to the store manager (or for the suspicious -relinquish 42 cents and an envelope) by May 19th and they will, at some unannounced time in the future, receive the original free dinner as advertised AND a free Pepsi for all incurred inconveniences. This means you have to go to KFC a total of 3 times for your free fantasy meal and once they get you in there you know you're sporking over cold hard cash for some of the colonel's spiced salted fat.

Also in the news today, a roundup of your favorite reality tv "news":
Will 'Jon & Kate' feature cheating rumors?
'Real Housewives' dish on catfights
TLC's 'Kate' deals with rumors of husband's cheating 'privately'
'Idol's' Allison inspired by Kelly Clarkson

and
British retailer admits bra boob-oo
Marks & Spencer apologizes if you were charged more if you bought more fabric


Thank you to all who waited patiently through my hiatus. Hopefully I will be back to drawing the news on a true weekdaily schedule.

June 10 2008 700-lb. man dreams of walk down aisle

Teen calls prom 'most wasteful event' that's one negatively charged headline for this report on a student's high-minded effort to host a "green prom". The student wanted to hold prom in the gym and give $10,000 to charity, an elevated idea that was quickly shot down. So she tried to get domestic flowers for decorations instead of crepe paper streamers, catered the event from whole foods, and tried to avoid cheap plastic trinket gifts like beach balls by handing out cheap plastic water bottles that may actually be used again. Ultimately, I'm just glad to see that the electric slide has not fallen into extinction.

700-lb. man dreams of walk down aisle
That would be awesome, considering the last time he tried to go out involved a tow truck to carry his bed which caught on some lighting conduits hanging from an underpass. (a non cnn article claims it was a post holding a shade tarp that hit the underpass) Uribe's 1000 lb weight gain "spiraled out of control after he moved to the United States for a few years in 1988 and indulged in a nonstop diet of junk food and soft drinks." (he is the world record holder of 1235 lbs, 550 of which he has lost with dieting and botched liposuction)

Hen living at McDonald's finally captured i'm not sure how this slipped by on monday

May 19 2008 Oreo cookies spill, got milk?

Nothing better than a Monday morning dose of fear mongering:
CNNMoney: Average gas price nears $4
iReport.com: $5 gas by summer?
CNNMoney: 8 fuel-sipping SUV alternatives

and major diversionary news:
KOAT: Dad saves boy as big cat attacks
Grizzly victim: 'He's eating my brain!'
Man strikes oil in his own backyard
Solar-powered car doesn't need gas
Golf.com: Golfer wins after falling in river
Costumed skiers sink, swim in icy pond

Oreo cookies spill, got milk? :45

April 24 2008 Sam's Club, Costco limit bulk rice purchases

Sam's Club, Costco limit bulk rice purchases but not apocalypse proof powdered jelly filled donuts, Entenmann's crumb cakes, sticky buns and snausage dogs.

176-lb beauty squashes stereotypes Come on! bad bad bad headline exclusively for T-shirt profitability.

April 15.5 2008 Pit bulls kill cancer boy's miniature horse

Reader Request:

I was petitioned via email today for a CNN is like the worst "news" source. Ever. rendering of a moth-eaten Cnn headline. I played a little game of "guess that request" with the submitted screenshot. I thought it was the goo-house, and then I thought, no, surely this person wants the unflinching stone face of Condi. Oh no, wait, it's a Goodfellas goodbye to Guilliani. But once my brain combined pit bull + cancer boy + miniature horse = TNT and subsequently exploded, I knew I had to read no further.

A miniature horse named "Anniversary" was annihilated by a pack of pit bulls on the loose. As if that wasn't sad enough, the horse was a gift to a toddler-aged brain cancer patient (aka "cancer boy") from the Make A Wish Foundation, which lacks the funds to replace the horse or provide psychiatric counseling to the traumatized tot. Leave it to CNN.com to take a sad, horrific story and churn out a humorously befuddling headline.

I hope this drawing is all that you hoped. (Sicko!)

April 14 2008 Man sklorks down 420 oysters, wins

I can always count on CNN.com's Monday headlines to be an audacious news-anemic extravaganza.

• Bush personally picking up pope from airport
• Butter knife pulled from boy's head
  
• When your spouse is a slob
• 'Mother's' Harris: I have no problem with Britney
• 'Greedy' gals on trial in homeless killings
• Ticker: Obama mocks Clinton's whiskey shot
• Pit bull tears into tot, then teen leaps in

But the creativity in the word "sklorks" completely trumps all other non-content. To lure readers to this rather blase clip of an oyster eating contest, Cnn invents a word. I did some research and discovered the headline editor has been reading up on writing tips for kids. The exercise for young writers calls for the creation of "new words, especially sound words, like 'sklork.'" Although the headline editor did not actually create a word, merely used the example word in a sentence, at least someone over there is attempting to educate themselves.
Oh, and congratulations to "Deep Dish" Patrick, who looked sklorkingly vomitocious at his victory ceremony.