May 18 2009 Guy tries to smuggle 14 birds in pants

Another amazing, in depth animal report from Anderson 360. No real information was provided about the smuggler or what kind of Asian song birds were being smuggled or where he was coming from or how he got as far as California customs. Some conflicting reporting in the beginning suggests there were two smugglers. Coops makes some weird comment about having tail feathers in your pant legs which falls awkwardly flat. Overall pretty informationless, not unlike the wallaroo report of last week. Bandit, the wallaroo, was running loose in upstate NY and instead of seeing a map of Bandit sightings so people could keep an eye out or even a telephone number to call with information, I learned that Coops can do a bad aussie accent and was a "jumping champion" while watching a still photo of a raccoon race across the screen to the sound of a cougar. Coops says if you see Bandit- he doesn't know what you should do. Nice. It is all about you coops, it's all about you.

January 20 2009 Bird droppings create problems for city

Bird droppings create problems for city
Residents of this Cali town feel "like they are living in the movie 'The Birds.'" Citizens try to get their shopping in early before the murder descends upon the town in the waning daylight hours. City officials take no responsibility for Mother Nature and refuse to clean the droppings layered on streets, cars and jungle gyms.

In positive news:
A nod of praise should be extended to the Mississippi paper, the Meridian Star, which finally apologized for its bad journalism during the civil rights movement on January 18th, 2009. Look forward to controversial pieces on social injustice very soon.

... while we can't go back and undo some past wrongs, we can offer our sincere apology -- and promise never again to neglect our responsibility to inform you, our readers, about the human rights and dignity every individual is entitled to in America -- no matter their religion, their ethnic background or the color of their skin.

They also worked in a lame comparison of the civil rights movement AND Barack Obama's inauguration to the bipartisan-less support of GWBush after 9-11. I thought it was also a little tasteless to preface the apology with the following quote by MLK.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
Apologies look more sincere when your refrain from qualifying them.

September 8 2008 Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

• 4-eared cat, 2-headed turtle cause stir
• Fannie, Freddie plunge again-who cares now that we all have to bail them out and the shares were dissolved. Plus, Palin will deliver us from big government and corporate welfare.
  
• 50-foot spider moves 2 mph
• Church not a sex club, reverend says kind of a jerry springer "news" story- hope there's an update
  
• Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

From Cnn's "Science" page Asia pollution may boost U.S. temperatures unlike, of course, U.S. pollution.

August 18 Boy gets wish, cow chases bear, dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs

Some highlights from last week!
Bush hugs bikini-clad U.S. Olympians
Scientists closer to making invisibility cloak
Plastic surgery cut by saggy economy
Troops pay baggage fees on way to war
car has 1.3 M miles
Boy gets wish: Seat on garbage truck
Cow chases bear away from apple tree
Mom shocked by teen's modest clothing
3-lb. dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs
Weeding through cnn is very much like dissecting owl pellets. If you pick away at all the regurgitated hairballs eventually you can piece together the rotting skeleton of a news story, but its just the infrastructure, devoid of all the life and substance.

August 7 2008 CENTENNIAL POST! Owners cuddle, dress pets ... then fry them

This post marks the 100th drawing posted on cnn is like the worst "news" source. ever.
In celebration and due to other pursuits the format will from here on change. I will be posting drawings weekly. The new drawings will be a montage of the weeks' absurdity from cnn. The "news" seems to run together anyway and it will be more fun for me and hopefully you to mash the headlines together. Thank you so much for tuning in to "news" designed to tune you out!

Anderson Cooper, anchor voted "most like me" by readers of this blog, reports on a guinea pig parade of Peru. fried pets

July 31 2008 Yoga for dogs?

Two water beasts surfaced today:
'Fishgator' caught in lake
Montauk 'monster'
Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Elizabeth Taylor take up 3 headlines furthering cnn's spiral into Entertainment Tonight formatting.

Yoga for dogs?
or doga, looks like a mess of writhing pets and masters kissing each other on mats.

July 30 2008 44-pound stray cat bulges out of box

Two newsworthy cat stories tonight.
Jesus' face seen in kitten's swirly fur if you lick its belly fur in place and take a picture of it. see also kitten with fur text.

44-pound cat found

1948 letter found in postal machinery
Bear stuck in jug is shot
the bear was followed for 6 days and over 60 miles with a plastic jar over its head. Attempts at tranquilizing and trapping the bear failed the report claims. They had 6 days and 60 miles!
Body found in airliner's restroom

July 23 2008 Fish eat feet in new pedicure

House passes mortgage rescue to bail out fannie and freddie mac with $300 billion in tax payer money. When they were making a profit did the surplus go back to the tax payer? Nope- it was wisely spent on campaign contributions and lobbyists! Further privatization of profits, socialization of risk.

McCain visits grocery store - at the end of this video, Too good to be true you can see McCain knock over apple sauce that was edited from the first story.
Fish eat feet in new pedicure -"that's just nasty" says one anchor. "that's foul. . . what is wrong with these people" reports the other. This clip also includes a "stupid criminal" story. Ha ha what fun they have delivering "news".

July 17 2008 Snake in washer scares woman

Today's "news" headlines:

WIBW: Parachutist misses target, hits band
Dwight Schrute plays CNN weatherman the nuzzler from six feet under.
Cows' No. 2 is No. 1 on this farm
Biogas on a mass scale powers this dairy farm. number 2.
Shark jumps into surfing photos
Toy radar gun scares speeders a kid on a bike monitors speeders in his neighborhood with a radar gun.

Snake in washer scares woman
And then she immediately contacted CNN to come to her house and check out the 8 foot python. Not on my emergency contact list.

July 2 2008 Cops: Cat held hostage in dog dispute

Cat held hostage
This lady lost her dog "scooby" in "Green Acres" and so the pound let some other couple adopt it and then the lady came looking for scooby but it was already adopted and so the people were like maybe we should give the lady her dog back and then they met her and were like no she's not cool and so we'll keep her dog and rename it and then the lady stole their cat and then called them to tell them she had their cat and that she wanted her dog back and then they could have the cat but the police arrested her. All very interesting.

Infotainment breaking ?news?:
Could Heath Ledger really win an Oscar? 54 min
Jolie doctor to have news conference 42 min
No divorce for Madge and Guy
Time: July 4: Will Smith's holiday
Actor thinks his '24' role helped Obama
I couldn't believe all 5 of these were listed this morning in Latest News. The audacity.

The next fashion trend: Prairie dresses Teen princess dress!

July 1 2008 Giraffe gathers troops, escapes circus

The second circus break headline in less than a month, this time an inspirational animal alliance:
Giraffe gathers troops, escapes circus

Three Obama headlines blocked together:
Bill Clinton, Obama have 'terrific conversation'
Ticker: Obama offered shirt off woman's back
Did Bill Clinton diss Obama?
confusing, baffling, confusing (see first)


Stupid Tee Shirt Headlines:
Asian women seek white, groveling men
Odor-masking, wash, dry & ?go? toilets
love the double ?s. Every ?Cnn? ?news? story should have that.

June 9 2008 Dead rat's belly hides spy camera

Dead rat's belly hides spy camera or a demonstration of tools used by the cia from the author of the newly released book, "Spycraft."

a double dose of Cap'n Kirk:
The joy of being William Shatner
Shatner on 'Trek': 'You know, that's rather good'

World's fastest computer unveiled - for government use in managing the nuclear weapons stockpile- and according to the energy department- to help solve global energy problems and "open new windows of knowledge" in basic research. Very interested to see how a fast computer developed for the weapons lab will help solve global energy problems.
This article from the future states that the computer will first be used to test climate change models before it is moved to a clandestine location for its intended military use.
oh yeah- it's craftily called roadrunner(after NM state bird) and it's built with sony playstation 3 parts with a price tag of $133 million. Seems like they could just build another one dedicated solely to opening windows of knowledge instead of pulling all nighters for non-military use on the original before it's tucked away in the super secret location- which this article claims is the Los Alamos National Laboratory.

June 5 2008 Scared of storms, circus elephants flee

Very similar to the horse that broke free from a carriage in Atlanta, these elephants were not to be leashed during the tempests of the midwest.

In confederate flag news today: Rebel-flag-flying teens can't graduate

May 22 2008 Rat rides on a cat riding on a dog

Rat cat dog
trumps all.