April 30 2008 Fritzl vacations with lacerated pram, soccer-ball eyed squid, filth baby, thai masseuses; dreams of incest horror house

Thank you to Kelly W., Jasmine, SWAM and Toby Leah Bochan for crucial abetment. Your counsel was the only thing that assisted in narrowly averting my mid-week crisis.
Here are the links:
Incest dad vacationed while kids locked up watch video of speedo-clad Fritzl's Thai massage on the beach
Love, then marriage, then hubby in baby carriage
Colossal squid has soccer-ball eyes
Baby found in house riddled with filth Nancy reports!
NHL player lacerates spleen during game

April 30 2008

I came home yesterday to these headlines and could not reach a decision, not even to narrow it down to three. So I am taking requests until Saturday. Which headline should be illustrated?


April 29 2008 Man vs. gator in 7-minute battle for life

A very inspirational line up today.
Man vs. gator in 7-minute battle for life Video T-shirt a recap of yesterday's alligator attack at a golf course.
You may now kick the bride a VERY detailed report of some cop-style criminal mischief at a wedding reception. They even list the articles of clothing that the groom sported on his release.
iReport.com: Playing 'Grand Theft Auto' today?
Does anyone play grand theft auto on its release day and set it aside to report back to CNN? Fascinating.
40-lb. hunk of metal hits driver in face Video T-shirt
Snoozy baby bear can't stay awake Video T-shirt
A typical CNN commentary-less "news" story that has been extended for no apparent reason to 54 seconds by repeating the beginning segment where someone in the background at this wood shed expresses concern over the bear falling into his bowl of milk.


April 28 2008 Big Rigs roll into Capital

I walked down to the lake from the house today and saw an alligator starring back at me. I was hoping CNN's weekly gator story would be posted soon so the image would be fresh. Yes it was.
Gator grabs guy diving for golf balls Video T-shirt
But right after the gator video I saw this clip of a long-running personal fantasy. For many years I have envisioned surrounding the white house with a fleet of mack trucks carefully choreographed with CB radios. This clip is so amazing and eerily close to my vision of revolution, although the motivation is very different. I like too that people are reacting to the higher price of oil with such vigor and entitlement, so similar to addicts when access to their preferred substance is withheld. It's not a matter of their own dependency on the substance, it's that their access to the substance they have developed a dependency on has been limited.
These two stories blend nicely as one of the very few CB terms I recall from the 80's is the name for a slab of busted tire in the road, alligator. Back out.


April 25 2008 'Bee tornado' chases patrons from store

Tom Cruise returning to 'Oprah' if only they could get the rights for this T-shirt. $$$$
Prank promotes sex, booze after prom Video T-shirt because sex, booze after prom would never occur without a grease-stained prank letter.
Ticker: Bill Clinton acting 'bizarre,' says Dem political analysis?
Kids battle over sweaty Beckham jersey eww
'Bee tornado' chases patrons from store
the article said it was in the parking lot of a restaurant, but who's actually reading full articles these days.

April 25 2008 180 minutes without solitude

Here I am in the hotbed of CNN, the greasy Hot-lanta airport, where even at 5:55 in the morning, wide screen TVs screech CNN at every gate. To ensure you hear the latest non-news instead of resorting to pleasant conversation with your fellow travelers, reading a book of your choice, catching up on some sleep or just listening to your own thoughts, the Hot-lanta Airport places inescapable loud speakers in the ceiling at 10 foot intervals. Your only recourse is to tuck your tail between your legs and seek refuge in some uncontaminated crevice, but alas CNN has inserted CNN News Kiosks in the last remaining unspoilt nooks. The kiosks are complete with 2 wide screen CNN screeching TVs at volumes set for the legally deaf and an LED ticker for the latest headlines. Some obnoxious reporter is cackling about a man caught on video pissing into the gas tank of a car in a parking garage. "tinkling"- that's the preferred terminology for this hour. Only the passage of time will deliver me from this evil place.


April 24 2008 Sam's Club, Costco limit bulk rice purchases

Sam's Club, Costco limit bulk rice purchases but not apocalypse proof powdered jelly filled donuts, Entenmann's crumb cakes, sticky buns and snausage dogs.

176-lb beauty squashes stereotypes Video T-shirt Come on! bad bad bad headline exclusively for T-shirt profitability.


April 23 2008 6-legged kitty named Hex needs surgery

bad animal coverage today:
6-legged kitty named Hex needs surgery Video T-shirt
Dog cares for kittens
bad human coverage:
Gangster video stars gun-waving granny (where's the video, where's the T-shirt?)
Man claims he created UFO lights
Woman says yes, then no; judge says rape Video
bad election coverage and really bad election analysis:
Pennsylvania battle leaves scars Video T-shirt
bad fear mongering over the cost of gas which is still cheaper per gallon than oj or milk in my hood:
$2/gal gas lures truckers across border Video T-shirt
You're paying what for gas?
$100 fill-ups now a reality
CNNMoney: Gas saving road trip tips
(gallon prices in a 10 mile range of my current location: gas-$3.59 reg $3.79 premium, oj-$6.99, milk-$3.99 whole - $6.99 organic)


Earth Day 2008 Synchronized swimmers faint in unison.

Now that the shock and awe has subsided, I'm really digging this T-shirt icon. It makes the selection process quick and painless. I just scan the ticker until I hit a t-shirt and begin reading.

Synchronized swimmers faint in unison Video T-shirt
3 girls were practicing routine drills (down the length of the pool and back on one breath) and fainted at the very end where they descended to the bottom of the deep end. Another girl and her mother suffered shock from witnessing the event. Officials are looking into elevated chlorine levels as a possible trigger.


April 21 2008 CNN seeks to profit from self-ridicule

CNN is now offering select headline T-shirts. No seriously. If you see the shirt icon pictured to the right next to a headline in the ticker, that headline is offered on a T-shirt. $19.99 with delivery. I need a day or so to collect myself in light of this egregious new function. See comments for endless possibilities.
Update: the hackable software was fixed, so customized T's can no longer be purchased. boo cnn.

April 21 2008 An unlikely pair

Weird fish leave sea, spawn on beach Video, a full 2 minute V.O.-less home video of a grunion run at night. Grunion= sardine-like= essence of not weird fish. Cnn delivers yet another fish video with a tantalizing yet misleading title.

Prince drops copter in galpal's yard Video William uses a training exercise to land in a field on his girlfriend's parents estate. If possible, expand to full screen, fast forward through the first 40 seconds and watch Col. Bob Stewart in the red sweater. You will see an amazing flight from a squirrel in the background of this otherwise content free video.

Mystery water springs up in yard its a spring in some guy's back yard or mystery water.

An Unlikely Pair: Thelma and Louise II. KTLA interviews what seems like an entire town about the friendship of a pup and ewe. I really enjoy the set dressing in the vehicle that picked them up from the side of road. A sunlit tuft of hair of undisclosed origin on the upholstery that is neither the color of the dog nor the sheep and used as some sort of reenactment of investigative evidence.


April 18 2008 Babies water-tortured, ex-child bride says

April showers bring May flowers.
Babies water-tortured, ex-child bride says Video
I LOVE you, Nancy. And if you can find a way to ignore her for a minute, this clip is actually a fascinating look into the abuse method of "breaking," allegedly used by a FLDS man to instill life-long "fear of the
father" in children before they reach an age of remembering the experience.
Pentagon paid $1.7M to firms of polygamy bosses Warren Jeffs. This should come as no surprise. The DoD has a long long history of counter-intelligence and misguided funds. We're talking about a department that sent ballistic missile components to Taiwan instead of helicopter batteries.
Hungry slither across border as artist sings Yes, it says slither. Referencing Zimbabweans who cross the border into South Africa by "slithering" like wild savage animals under a wire fence.
$10,000 for child's birthday party?
I went to McDonaldland, had a cheap paper crown crammed over my eyes, played for what seemed like days in the concrete and fiberglass world of
Hamburglar, Ronald, Mayor McCheese, Grimace, and the Fry Guys, sat under a fake tree that bore fried apple hot pockets while eating a fist size piece of vanilla sheet cake with my name squirted out in coal tar dye and sugar. Memories were created. You don't need 10,000 bucks. You need a camera. What ever you do, don't take any of the suggestions CNN posts like "save money with low-cost art projects, like painting pet rocks."
Murder, she blogged CNN takes a truly artistic and compassionate documentation of needlessly lost life and massacres its spirit with this quirky reference to a heavily rerun 80's TV show. Sadly, we see what happens when you mix journalism with CNN.
And finally, CNN links you up to Fox News for
Officer battles python to save woman.


April 17 2008 Kids put in dryer and tumbled, police say

Lumped together, today's articles form a corpulent carcass of adumbrated non-news. Toss it in the mass grave of Cnn's oeuvre.
In the video clip entitled Teens cuddle odd rodent found on road , a Cnn reporter declaims, a "not too savvy cavy" (groan) was found in Oregon by some not too mean teens.
A 26 toilet mansion planned causes stink in Connecticut.
For sale: Land next to HOLLYWOOD sign pretty accurately exemplifies the Los Angeles real estate inflation curve. What was purchased for $1.7 million in 2002 is a reasonable $22 million in 2008.
Lover asks 'bus girl' to be his bus wife no, he literally calls her bus girl and literally asks her to be his bus wife.
Kim Cattrall makes a 'Masterpiece' begins as a plug for the PBS Rudyard Kipling biopic but quickly explodes into a reminiscence of Sex in the City the series and an advertisement for Sex in the City the movie.
Foreclosures raise West Nile risk gives a phone number to call and report abandoned pools in your hood.
Mama Duck saves stuck ducks. another report on animals in the road. yawn.
And as illustrated, Kids put in dryer and tumbled, cops say . Note the macabre Kara Walker style silhouettes. The accused parents claim it was just fun.


April 16 2008 Screaming Peacocks take over Community

I went to the zoo today, so I was delighted to come home to 2 great wildlife stories. The first involves a menacing peacock colony in Florida and the second involves an Gator kidnapping by a dread head.
And then I came along a great CNN PSA on fear mongering. It was like I was watching an advisory ad by a tobacco company and I just wanted to smoke by the end of hearing how bad it is for your health. I was being told to fear in this society of fear and that the media played into that fear and that I had nothing to fear, because schools are safe and I shouldn't fear.
What I really fear is this video of Larry King interviewing the ladies of the sect. Their dresses make me crave jordan almonds. I love the end when they parrot each other. Not that I'm aware of. Not that I'm aware of. Not that I've ever seen. Not that I've ever seen. creepy.


Poll Results: Menage a trois!

Thank you to all who participated in the first ever CNN is the worst "news" source. Ever. poll. The results are in and it was a golden three way with Rising Gas Costs, Inspirational Weight Loss, and School Killings. Dating Advice and Perscription Drug Side Effects (which may have confused people hoping for prescription drugs) tied for silver. Be sure to vote again soon.

April 15.5 2008 Pit bulls kill cancer boy's miniature horse

Reader Request:

I was petitioned via email today for a CNN is like the worst "news" source. Ever. rendering of a moth-eaten Cnn headline. I played a little game of "guess that request" with the submitted screenshot. I thought it was the goo-house, and then I thought, no, surely this person wants the unflinching stone face of Condi. Oh no, wait, it's a Goodfellas goodbye to Guilliani. But once my brain combined pit bull + cancer boy + miniature horse = TNT and subsequently exploded, I knew I had to read no further.
A miniature horse named "Anniversary" was annihilated by a pack of pit bulls on the loose. As if that wasn't sad enough, the horse was a gift to a toddler-aged brain cancer patient (aka "cancer boy") from the Make A Wish Foundation, which lacks the funds to replace the horse or provide psychiatric counseling to the traumatized tot. Leave it to CNN.com to take a sad, horrific story and churn out a humorously befuddling headline.
I hope this drawing is all that you hoped. (Sicko!)

April 15 2008 150-pound cougar prowls Chicago streets

CnN produced several really irksome headlines this morning and the associated articles are even more irritating.

1. Today, IReport, CnN's redundant section for amateur journalism, solicits submissions of "your Pope pictures, videos." here's mine.

2. Study: Single Parents cost taxpayers $112 billion which is a study assuming poverty and government assistance to children of single parents will be significantly reduced if each state spent millions on "marriage education." (i.e. get tax payers to fund the organizations that funded this study) Why not spend millions on free no-strings-attached birth control for anyone at any age, sex education that includes abortion as a viable sans-stigma option, and job creation? What I'd really love to see is a study on how much churches and marriage advocacy non-profit organizations cost taxpayers every year. No income tax, no sales tax, no property tax, and tax write-offs for donations. Tally that.

3. Jesus' image creates stir at hospital ENOUGH! The condensation on the Orlando hospital window formed the face of Jesus weeping or Johnny Depp. Click here for more sightings.

4. 150 pound cougar prowls Chicago streets which I mistook for an update on Ivana Trump's honeymoon. What's wrong with tranquilizer guns? These sharp shooters fired round after round trying to kill this cat, might as well have been slumber darts.


April 14 2008 Man sklorks down 420 oysters, wins

I can always count on CNN.com's Monday headlines to be an audacious news-anemic extravaganza.

But the creativity in the word "sklorks" completely trumps all other non-content. To lure readers to this rather blase clip of an oyster eating contest, Cnn invents a word. I did some research and discovered the headline editor has been reading up on writing tips for kids. The exercise for young writers calls for the creation of "new words, especially sound words, like 'sklork.'" Although the headline editor did not actually create a word, merely used the example word in a sentence, at least someone over there is attempting to educate themselves.
Oh, and congratulations to "Deep Dish" Patrick, who looked sklorkingly vomitocious at his victory ceremony.


April 11 2008 Man wears skirt to mow lawn, breaks law

This zany law bender couldn't possibly eek by CNN's annoying "news" radar. A man mowing lawns in a skirt! What will they report on next?  Some lady doing laundry in boxer shorts? The Vice President on a fishing trip wearing sunglasses?


April 10 2008 Principal had teens, porn, pot, cops say

Thank you CNN. Thank you for alerting me that not so famous person and not so famous person's kid sister are now engaged. Thank you for letting me know I can count on you for the latest Masters scores and I don't have to wait until its over. Thank you for telling me that its actually not that difficult to cut through someone's neck with a handsaw but bodies don't burn all that well. Thank you for alerting me to the black lab mix up at an Oregon kennel.
But thank you most of all, CNN, for Nancy Grace.
Oh Nancy, don't get so huffy. The guy took the teens out for wine coolers and let them watch the first 5 minutes of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cute!


April 9 2008 Baby with two faces worshipped as goddess

This video shows the "two faced" baby born to a poor farming couple in India. The baby is touched by over 100 people a day (germs!), stopping by for a visit on their way to see the 8 limbed goddess baby. I completely understand the need to capitalize on your children but wouldn't it be more lucrative to sue the international corporations whose cost-cutting measures resulted in the toxic conditions and deformed children. If you want a twinge of toxic, see also Dad, daughter say incest produced babies Video.


April 8 2008 Drunk newlyweds tasered, jailed

This piece is one installment of CNN's police force video triptych released today. The other two involve a wild turkey brawl and a wayward goat. Only CNN can get away with three major headlines dedicated to cop novelty cases.


April 7 2008 Wife, mom fight over dead soldier's sperm

It's Monday and CNN should give the American public a break. Such filth for the crusty-eyed confrontation of a new week. The deceased soldier's wife and mom have different ideas of where his sperm should rest in peace, at least that's what CNN's headline claims. The sperm harvesting procedure was completed on Friday so unless there's a video of a cat fight between the two ladies, stop teasing us with misleading headlines.
And don't choke us with diversionary news so we won't read about Bush's push for the free trade deal with Colombia, a country renowned for having the greatest number of human rights violations and politically motivated murders per year in the Western Hemisphere. Bush claims its important to make a free trade deal with Colombia because of "national security reasons." (huh?) Yeah, it looks like Colombia, as in Plan Colombia, is willing to be pit against Ecuador and Venezuela. Did you know Colombia, Ecuador, and Venezuela export more oil to the USA than all Persian Gulf countries combined? Let the destabilization of oil rich nations begin. Again.

Clicky Web Analytics