April 16 2008 Screaming Peacocks take over Community

I went to the zoo today, so I was delighted to come home to 2 great wildlife stories. The first involves a menacing peacock colony in Florida and the second involves an Gator kidnapping by a dread head.
And then I came along a great CNN PSA on fear mongering. It was like I was watching an advisory ad by a tobacco company and I just wanted to smoke by the end of hearing how bad it is for your health. I was being told to fear in this society of fear and that the media played into that fear and that I had nothing to fear, because schools are safe and I shouldn't fear.
What I really fear is this video of Larry King interviewing the ladies of the sect. Their dresses make me crave jordan almonds. I love the end when they parrot each other. Not that I'm aware of. Not that I'm aware of. Not that I've ever seen. Not that I've ever seen. creepy.

Poll Results: Menage a trois!

Thank you to all who participated in the first ever CNN is the worst "news" source. Ever. poll. The results are in and it was a golden three way with Rising Gas Costs, Inspirational Weight Loss, and School Killings. Dating Advice and Perscription Drug Side Effects (which may have confused people hoping for prescription drugs) tied for silver. Be sure to vote again soon.

April 15.5 2008 Pit bulls kill cancer boy's miniature horse

Reader Request:

I was petitioned via email today for a CNN is like the worst "news" source. Ever. rendering of a moth-eaten Cnn headline. I played a little game of "guess that request" with the submitted screenshot. I thought it was the goo-house, and then I thought, no, surely this person wants the unflinching stone face of Condi. Oh no, wait, it's a Goodfellas goodbye to Guilliani. But once my brain combined pit bull + cancer boy + miniature horse = TNT and subsequently exploded, I knew I had to read no further.

A miniature horse named "Anniversary" was annihilated by a pack of pit bulls on the loose. As if that wasn't sad enough, the horse was a gift to a toddler-aged brain cancer patient (aka "cancer boy") from the Make A Wish Foundation, which lacks the funds to replace the horse or provide psychiatric counseling to the traumatized tot. Leave it to CNN.com to take a sad, horrific story and churn out a humorously befuddling headline.

I hope this drawing is all that you hoped. (Sicko!)

April 15 2008 150-pound cougar prowls Chicago streets

CnN produced several really irksome headlines this morning and the associated articles are even more irritating.

1. Today, IReport, CnN's redundant section for amateur journalism, solicits submissions of "your Pope pictures, videos." here's mine.

2. Study: Single Parents cost taxpayers $112 billion which is a study assuming poverty and government assistance to children of single parents will be significantly reduced if each state spent millions on "marriage education." (i.e. get tax payers to fund the organizations that funded this study) Why not spend millions on free no-strings-attached birth control for anyone at any age, sex education that includes abortion as a viable sans-stigma option, and job creation? What I'd really love to see is a study on how much churches and marriage advocacy non-profit organizations cost taxpayers every year. No income tax, no sales tax, no property tax, and tax write-offs for donations. Tally that.

3. Jesus' image creates stir at hospital ENOUGH! The condensation on the Orlando hospital window formed the face of Jesus weeping or Johnny Depp. Click here for more sightings.

4. 150 pound cougar prowls Chicago streets which I mistook for an update on Ivana Trump's honeymoon. What's wrong with tranquilizer guns? These sharp shooters fired round after round trying to kill this cat, might as well have been slumber darts.

April 14 2008 Man sklorks down 420 oysters, wins

I can always count on CNN.com's Monday headlines to be an audacious news-anemic extravaganza.

• Bush personally picking up pope from airport
• Butter knife pulled from boy's head
  
• When your spouse is a slob
• 'Mother's' Harris: I have no problem with Britney
• 'Greedy' gals on trial in homeless killings
• Ticker: Obama mocks Clinton's whiskey shot
• Pit bull tears into tot, then teen leaps in

But the creativity in the word "sklorks" completely trumps all other non-content. To lure readers to this rather blase clip of an oyster eating contest, Cnn invents a word. I did some research and discovered the headline editor has been reading up on writing tips for kids. The exercise for young writers calls for the creation of "new words, especially sound words, like 'sklork.'" Although the headline editor did not actually create a word, merely used the example word in a sentence, at least someone over there is attempting to educate themselves.
Oh, and congratulations to "Deep Dish" Patrick, who looked sklorkingly vomitocious at his victory ceremony.

April 11 2008 Man wears skirt to mow lawn, breaks law

This zany law bender couldn't possibly eek by CNN's annoying "news" radar. A man mowing lawns in a skirt! What will they report on next?  Some lady doing laundry in boxer shorts? The Vice President on a fishing trip wearing sunglasses?

April 10 2008 Principal had teens, porn, pot, cops say

Thank you CNN. Thank you for alerting me that not so famous person and not so famous person's kid sister are now engaged. Thank you for letting me know I can count on you for the latest Masters scores and I don't have to wait until its over. Thank you for telling me that its actually not that difficult to cut through someone's neck with a handsaw but bodies don't burn all that well. Thank you for alerting me to the black lab mix up at an Oregon kennel.
But thank you most of all, CNN, for Nancy Grace.
Oh Nancy, don't get so huffy. The guy took the teens out for wine coolers and let them watch the first 5 minutes of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Cute!

April 9 2008 Baby with two faces worshipped as goddess

This video shows the "two faced" baby born to a poor farming couple in India. The baby is touched by over 100 people a day (germs!), stopping by for a visit on their way to see the 8 limbed goddess baby. I completely understand the need to capitalize on your children but wouldn't it be more lucrative to sue the international corporations whose cost-cutting measures resulted in the toxic conditions and deformed children. If you want a twinge of toxic, see also Dad, daughter say incest produced babies .

April 8 2008 Drunk newlyweds tasered, jailed

This piece is one installment of CNN's police force video triptych released today. The other two involve a wild turkey brawl and a wayward goat. Only CNN can get away with three major headlines dedicated to cop novelty cases.

April 7 2008 Wife, mom fight over dead soldier's sperm

It's Monday and CNN should give the American public a break. Such filth for the crusty-eyed confrontation of a new week. The deceased soldier's wife and mom have different ideas of where his sperm should rest in peace, at least that's what CNN's headline claims. The sperm harvesting procedure was completed on Friday so unless there's a video of a cat fight between the two ladies, stop teasing us with misleading headlines.
And don't choke us with diversionary news so we won't read about Bush's push for the free trade deal with Colombia, a country renowned for having the greatest number of human rights violations and politically motivated murders per year in the Western Hemisphere. Bush claims its important to make a free trade deal with Colombia because of "national security reasons." (huh?) Yeah, it looks like Colombia, as in Plan Colombia, is willing to be pit against Ecuador and Venezuela. Did you know Colombia, Ecuador, and Venezuela export more oil to the USA than all Persian Gulf countries combined? Let the destabilization of oil rich nations begin. Again.