March 31 2008 Addicted Doctors Still Treating Patients

Boozing narced MDs are at it again raising malpractice insurance rates for docs who come to work sober. These doctors are being sheltered in a confidential recovery program that allows them to simultaneously continue their practice. The article claims about 8000 docs around the country are currently in the program.

March 28 2008 Aunt charged in murder too obese for jail

How fabulous is Nancy Grace, with her sensationalized delivery of each and every sentence, her seizure inducing graphics, and that charming yet authoritative way she beats her desk with a bic pen like it was a gavel. In this clip, Nancy has no less than 4 analysts assisting her point of view. I love that Nancy berates the aunt for being fat and lounging at home and then chastises an analyst for a fat joke. The story under this 1000 lb expose of sensational outrage: a morbidly obese woman kills her 2 year old nephew. The 27 year old was arraigned in her bedroom yesterday and claims the boy got stuck under the bed, which doesn't quite explain the multiple skull fractures. The mother, 20, left her toddler and 2 younger, yes! younger than 2 years old, children with the bed-ridden sister. The mother was also charged in the death for failure to protect her child. Nancy really gets her feather's ruffled over the thought of this woman skipping out on jail. The lady can't get out of bed due to her weight, she's in jail already. "I hope you're watching lady!"

March 27 2008 Dozens killed in battle against "outlaws"

Outlaws? Battle against Outlaws? CNN did a wonderful diversionary follow up to Bush's Monday proclamation that US soldiers will not die in vain. First, they headlined an article about Saddam Hussein's last days. Yeah, remember him, remember how you just woke up one morning to news that he was dead, executed after the trial by an uninternational court of law for killing 148 people in 1982, while still on trial for killing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. Trial for killing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. Trial for killing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. So Bush was talking Monday about his orders to send 4000 US soldiers to their deaths and no one mentioned, like always, the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who have died in Bush's Operation Occupation. And today, the intense fighting in"oil rich" Basra, the green zone, Sadr City and all over the southern region is marginalized by CNN reporting as a battle against outlaws! The Pentagon and Bush would like to reiterated that all of this new and escalated fighting is simply proof of the success of the surge in US troops.

March 26 2008 Man drilling hole with gun kills wife

This headline, I kid you not, was located directly above an article advocating squabbling with your spouse (see right image). The man was installing a satellite for cable TV and believed the best way to drill a hole in the living room wall was to shoot it with a .22 caliber handgun. He shot twice thinking everyone was inside and the second bullet fatally killed his wife. The second article claims that fighting with your spouse can actually lengthen your life. Proof? If this poor wife had simply told her husband what an idiot he was instead of taking a walk around the block to vent her anger, she just might have had a longer life.

March 25 I (heart) Mom, newborn kitty's fur says

I know! Another bad animal headline. But I couldn't resist. This video shows ( i guess) a little kitty with writing on her side. I could 't figure this out for the longest time. It looked more like MIV period ( Mobilize the Immigrant Vote.) Then I read the caption which explained the kitten's mom was "Dottie." Thus the spot or "dot" or as CNN reports "MOM." Then I realized the blob that looks like an M was really more like the state of Illinois and possibly this kitten ate that cornflake. Or maybe it was an M, as in the virgin Mary. Blessed kitten.

March 24 2008 Eight Burned Bear Investors

From CNN money: A line up of the poor Bear Stearns insiders and their losses in the buy out. Smiley pictures accompanied by brief descriptions of their time at the firm and mind boggling loss figures. But they aren't glum. Why? Because instead of filing for bankruptcy, the federal reserve gave JP Morgan $30 billion in a non recourse (i.e. don't worry about ever paying that back) loan to buy the BS shares for pennies on the dollar or rather 2 bucks (which they amended today to 10 bucks) for each BS share suckers purchased for over 100 bucks. And BS shareholders have no say so or vote. Smells like an Enron pig sty, only this time tax payers are bailing out the big guys. Is this called Asocialism? Public money flows to private company BS. Private company BS passes public money to private BS employees. Private company BS has no money. Public money flows in to bail out private company BS in distress and private company JP assumes ownership.
Wise man, Christopher Cox (former Rep. CA., R. and present SEC Chairman) claims Bear Stearns' losses are due to lack of confidence, but not of lack of capital. No kidding? It certainly takes billions to lose billions.

March 21 2008 Mutt Musings: Even Dogs Blog These Days

When I first clicked on this title I thought it would link to some smut-gossip article on juicycampus.com. But no, the dog reference was canine. And what better way to spend your surf time than reading blog entries from a pet owner posing as their dog. Of the 113 million blogs from which to choose, 34,000 people visit Dogbook in the pet profile wing of Facebook, EVERYDAY! From the website to which I refuse to link: "Dogbook allows you to create a profile for your dog, tag your dog in photos, find dogs in your area, and much more! Make your dog a part of your Facebook life - add Dogbook today! Have a Cat? Check out Catbook!" and Have a baby? Don't miss this opportunity to put your child in the cultural fast lane. "MyBabybook is out!"

March 20 2008 Couple Wear Sweaters from Dead Dogs' Fur

Another crazy pet owner story from England. The lovely Beth knit a cardigan for herself from cream Samoyed. She then knit a bark brown pullover sweater for her husband, Brian, out of Lapphund. Samoyed and Lapphund = dog hair. The wool was collected over 2 years from Penney and Cara when they were alive. They love the sweaters infused with the memory of their beloved dogs so much that they take them to bed at night. This is marginally creepy, but the old couple with their charming British accents and fuzzy sweaters knit with love are some how adorable. Watch the video!

March 19 2008 Student forced to pee in Lunchbox

This expose pretty much speaks for itself showing, yet again, CNN's obsession with bringing stupid people stories of even stupider people. A Florida teacher is under fire for teaching life skills and hard choices. The kids all want the teacher fired, but they're probably overzealous after having just learned creationism.

March 18 World's Biggest Jet flies to London

Yesterday, the world's largest aircraft landed at Heathrow. CNN was there on the scene to pay someone for footage and a lame article about the A380's first Euro landing. The plane can seat 853 in economy class, but Singapore Airlines opted to slice that efficient number nearly in half. This plane, as tall as a 7 story building was reconfigured to hold only 471 passengers.
Airbus, the manufacturer, claims the new plane is "the most fuel efficient and quietest passenger jet ever built, from inside and outside." That's some frantically idealistic red flag waving. They also claimed that airbus flights would be cheaper on long flights, but the airlines who purchased the planes have raised rates 20-25 % in business and first class. This telegraph article refutes the smaller carbon footprint and reduced fares claims of airbus. It also has a photo of an on board suite with rosebuds on the comforter and a mirrored wall, that old illusion of roominess trick perfected by craigslist slumlords. After consideration, its probably a smart move by Singapore Airlines to pack in as many suites as possible. In ten years there won't be anyone who can afford the 81,000 gallons of gas to fill the plane's gullet and it will be easily converted to luxury artist's lofts.
Be sure to watch the video of the plane's European landing!

See also: Horse tries to outrun tornado in Atlanta, a great video proceeded by a Viagra advertisement that has no commentary! That's right, a CNN web report that has no cheesy analysis or sensational voice over. Its just the Viagra ad and the 5 second video clip of the horse breaking free from its carriage amidst traffic repeated over and over and over and over and over in slow motion. Fabulous!

March 17 2008 Naked Man Runs Amok in Grocery Store

It's St. Patty's day and no where is it more apparent that workers are giving their absolute least than over at CNN.com, the diversionary news source. The headlines today were atrocious:

• Bodies of 4 men found in vacant lot
• Potty school really gets 'em going
• Shaken baby's dad says she is recovering
• ABBA drummer dies in apparent accident
• Tornado takes 'Mrs. Bonnie,' animal lover
• Ex-Beatle to pay $50M in divorce settlement

While in actual news Cheney makes a surprise visit to his Frankenstein, Baghdad, where he plans to twist officials' arms until they scream uncle and open all oil fields to international companies, you know, just to level the playing field. China blocks millions of potential YouTubers from accessing lip syncing teens and Tibet protest coverage. Reports claim that at least 10 civilians were burned to death and estimates of Tibetan deaths range from 30 to 100. And for those searching today for that pot of gold: Today We're All Irish: Debt Serfdom Comes to America.
So in un-news-worthiness today, a man runs naked through a grocery store in Pennsylvania. Cnn reporting takes a really creative angle flashing shots of produce and cellophaned meat products to describe naked body parts. Navel oranges anyone? Upon further non-Cnn research, I discovered that the most interesting part of the man's outing in the buff took place in a hotel, not the grocery store, where he drove a forklift into an interior wall (the article doesn't say how he got the forklift inside) and busted a sewer line. Naked!

March 14 2008 Brother To Be Jailed Again For Sex With Sis

The teary couple Patrick and Susan S. seen in this video are brother and sister. The teary couple Patrick and Susan S. seen in this video are husband and wife. Aah Family. Unfortunately for them, German regulation makers believe incest should be punishable by law and Patrick is facing his third jail sentence of 30 months.
The best part of this expose is Juergen Kunze's crooked Eighties bow tie. Kunze is the professor of Human Genetics who speaks about the probability for disability in children of incest. He says in their study of 100 children of incest about 1/2 have disabilities. That's pretty much reinforced by Patrick and Susan's 2 disabled daughters from their 4, yes count them, FOUR daughters, spawned during their 6 year relationship, during which Patrick served 2 jail terms. Excuse me, but where exactly did the other 98 children of incest come from for Kunze's study?

March 13 2008 700+ dogs seized from inside breeder home

Today is very difficult. I wanted so much to draw the following story, but had to think twice about two toilet illustrations in one week.
Boyfriend: phobia caused woman's 2-year bathroom stay The woman's skin had grafted to the toilet seat. This is very reminiscent of a nip tuck episode with Gilbert Grape's mom grafted to a couch. Boyfriend claims to have lost track of time, but thinks it has been 2 years since she left the bathroom rationalizing "after a while, you kind of get used to it." Neighbors in the Kansas area mobile home park say she hasn't been seen in nearly six years. Annoyingly, there are no pictures of the couple, just a shot of the mobile home, which can't possibly be a two-bathroom model, leaving me baffled as to where Boyfriend attended to his hygiene.

America loves an animal story. America loves an abuse story. Combine the two and you have a perfect CNN report! Over 700 dogs and 30 exotic birds were found in a breeder's home running amok in their own feces. Two of the dogs were dead and many were missing paws. A huge pet smart mobile home came to pick some of them up. Good thing you paid hundreds, perhaps thousands, for that pure breed pooch direct from the breeder.

March 12 Oldest Man to Run Marathon

A centenarian is in training for the 26.2 mile shuffle. Why is this news? Because CNN.com says so. And also we can no longer tolerate the boredom of that politician prostitution ring thingy or the Mary Ann busted for Mary Jane jokes. At the age of 101, the inspirational "Buster" Martin is training to become the oldest person to complete a marathon. His secret? Pint breaks. See Buster's Video!

March 11 2008 Runaway Tire Seen Crashing into Minivan

Tuesday Snoozeday over at CNN today. No less than 2 Major headlines today were celebrity revolving! (Paris and that city slickers funny guy). But the best major fluff today- A video of a tire flying into a mini van! And the tumbleweed tire's owner? A gasoline truck carrying over 8000 gallons of the flammable ambrosia. The truck actually lost 2 tires in the incident.

March 10 2008 Drugs found in US drinking water

Ahh Monday. A Monday one day after DST stole an hour. Like most Mondays, today was especially difficult to choose the right article to illustrate. So much filler, something serious must have gone on in the real news this weekend. Oh, maybe oil is up to $107 a barrel? Oh, maybe Bush cast his 8th veto in the last 10 months against the bill limiting inhumane interrogation techniques claiming "This is no time for Congress to abandon practices that have a proven track record of keeping America safe."
On to my top inspirations today: Gays worse than terrorists, lawmaker says, Boy buried in sandbox imitating cartoon, Sheriff's squad car kills two cyclists, "wet back Wednesday" at bar irks students, Vatican lists new sinful behaviors, 2nd woman involved in tot car wash case, Monstrous Robot going up in space. So many!

But I settled on Drugs found in US drinking water. A fascinating tale of prescription drugs leeching back into the water source. Yes, when you pee, your body spits out poisons, like prescription drugs and sends them back into the rivers, lakes, and streams, but mostly the water processing plant. And then that water gets bottled by Fiji!

March 7 2008 Mom charged in child power washing

The mother who was videotaped while spraying her 2 1/2-year-old daughter with a high-pressure water hose at an Orlando car wash on Feb. 24 has been arrested and charged with child abuse.
Since this happened SO long ago in internet news time I am assuming this is a follow up to the breaking news story that surely cnndotcrap did not over look। My favorite bite of the whole embarrassing enchilada is, of course, the mother's moniker: “car wash hose mom” Very New York Post. Check out the surveillance tape from Orlando NBC News affiliate!

March 6 - Chicken gets cancer treatment

Eva the one-legged chicken will go in for radiotherapy to treat her cancer. She lost a leg last year because of skin cancer. CNNdotCON links you up to the Mirror article. File under: zany things pet owners will do for their little pampered friends. See Eva's Video!