December 31 2008 Woman, 88, yanks nude intruder's testicles

Happy New Year's Eve.
Not really over at cnn.com

Poisoned kids cry in agony as parents worry
Tree limb from windy day injures tot
Driver uses scissors to fight off carjacker
Woman plunges off hotel near Disney
And if those didn't make you add a couple layers to your exoskeleton, perhaps this will.
Woman, 88, yanks nude intruder's testicles
The woman, alias "Jennifer," suggests to lock your door and have a security light to prevent such situations. And, yes, the intruder was caught by local authorities. His name: Mike Dick!

December 28 2008 Man creeps into family's attic; lives there

Supposedly man lives in a family's attic for 7 days over the Christmas holiday. All was fine until things started disappearing from the house. He took clothes, food, a candle, and a laptop. Even a toothbrush. The police came 3 times to assess the robberies before finding him with dogs. Stay tuned, the police officer claims he is going to write a book about the experience.

also in the holiday spirit:
Man shoots talker at movies, police say at benjamin button!
Santa shooter carried secret guilt, attorney says
secret son was left a paraplegic due to his negligence
Secret Santa leaves cards, $50 bills
Brrr ... Penguin Club plunges into icy river

November 7 2008 Girl, 9, kicked off bus miles from home

This post is dedicated to Jerry and friends. Sorry for the lapse in posts- I just could not endure CNN's soul dissolving election coverage.

Little Cyrena (pronounced Serena) was kicked off the bus in Shrewsbury on the corner of Route 9 and South street for utter lack of disherplen. This was miles from her Route 20 home. Do not fear parents for Donald Davidson Jr. will never drive school buses in Shrewsbury again!

also of importance:
Michelle's dress: Love it? Hate it?
Obama's girls about to go into fishbowl
Stick, skateboard, doll enter Toy Hall of Fame
Honda unveils wearable robotic walker
Armed guards keep watch over churches - this should busy the idle hands of the military industrial complex

September 30, 2008 A Letter to Representative Pelosi

Today I wrote to Speaker of the House and CA Representative Nancy Pelosi. For the record, she is not my direct representative.

Dear Representative Pelosi,
Can you please explain your decision to vote yes on the Bail Out Bill. You made two comments on the House floor that are very incongruous with your vote. The first, “Democrats believe in the free market, which can and does create jobs, wealth, and capital, but left to its own devices it has created chaos."
If you vote for a bailout of institutions which made, as you put it, "unwise and risky financial deals," how can you claim to believe in the free market? It is not free if risk takers are not allowed to fail. And it is certainly not free if failure is rewarded.
You also stated that "Today we must act for those Americans, for Main Street, and we must act now." Yet you voted for a bill that may or may not stabilize wall street and has no provisions or protective measures for "main street," as you refer to constituents. In fact, you voted for a bill that must be paid for by your constituents and will benefit the aforementioned risk taking institutions. How did you act for "Americans on Main Street" by backing this legislation.
Thank you for your time and I hope that you will clarify this discordant speech and vote.

I hope that she will write back. I did not want to point directly to her own personal financial obligations- current personal mortgages and investments, and campaign financiers. I hope that her personal obligations had no bearing on her vote. But here is a list of her reported outstanding loans (mostly mortgages) between her and her husband in 2007. SP = spouse owned JT= jointly owned
That means that Nancy and her husband are paying off loans in the $12.25 million - $54.5 million range. I wish that I could report the exact number, but Reps are only required to check off a range on their financial disclosure forms and the range options are quite large (i.e $5-25 million). Perhaps if she graces me with a reply I will expend the time and effort to snooping around propertyshark or trulia with the disclosed addresses. The list of stocks that her and her husband own is too long for a picture- but you can download the file yourself from the above link and check it out. Some highlights: In 2007 Paul purchased $1 - 5 million in stock from a real estate company, purchased and then sold $1 - 5 million in stock from apple, and purchased $500,000- 1 million in stock from Cisco Systems. Bet you can't guess what Paul Pelosi does for a living. Financial Investor/Real Estate Investor. Bail him out Nancy! Us folks down here on main street aren't feeling the crunch like you because luckily we couldn't afford to invest in that kind of tanking portfolio.

September 8 2008 Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

• 4-eared cat, 2-headed turtle cause stir
• Fannie, Freddie plunge again-who cares now that we all have to bail them out and the shares were dissolved. Plus, Palin will deliver us from big government and corporate welfare.
  
• 50-foot spider moves 2 mph
• Church not a sex club, reverend says kind of a jerry springer "news" story- hope there's an update
  
• Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

From Cnn's "Science" page Asia pollution may boost U.S. temperatures unlike, of course, U.S. pollution.

KPFK

I won an iphone g3 this weekend in the KPFK summer sign-up membership drive! They are awarding one each day that will be loaded with content from 50 years of archives from this progressive radio station. You still have 3 more days to sign up for your chance. Donating 25 bucks puts you in the running for the daily iphone giveaway and tons of great sweepstakes prizes as well, like the gibson guitar signed by jackson browne, and a little more will give you a choice of premium gifts. Tax deductible donations will divert a portion of your taxes from corporate bailouts, human rights abuses and unneccessary endless occupation in the name of "enduring freedom."
KPFK is the only radio station in the country that has no corporate underwriting, no commercial influence. If you don't already listen, please tune in (itunes -> radio-> public -> kpfk or streaming online)
I encourage you to listen to in depth analysis of issues that will not make it to main stream media. This morning there was a story about a diebold voting machine critic, Stephen Spoonamore, (a gop accussing the gop of stealing elections) who filmed a segment for ABC news in 2006 regarding irregularities in the 2004 election. The video was never aired- ABC claims it feared lawsuits. But you can watch it now!
Kpfk is a great resource for information that won't be aired on stations with corporate obligations.

August 18 Boy gets wish, cow chases bear, dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs

Some highlights from last week!
Bush hugs bikini-clad U.S. Olympians
Scientists closer to making invisibility cloak
Plastic surgery cut by saggy economy
Troops pay baggage fees on way to war
car has 1.3 M miles
Boy gets wish: Seat on garbage truck
Cow chases bear away from apple tree
Mom shocked by teen's modest clothing
3-lb. dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs
Weeding through cnn is very much like dissecting owl pellets. If you pick away at all the regurgitated hairballs eventually you can piece together the rotting skeleton of a news story, but its just the infrastructure, devoid of all the life and substance.

August 7 2008 CENTENNIAL POST! Owners cuddle, dress pets ... then fry them

This post marks the 100th drawing posted on cnn is like the worst "news" source. ever.
In celebration and due to other pursuits the format will from here on change. I will be posting drawings weekly. The new drawings will be a montage of the weeks' absurdity from cnn. The "news" seems to run together anyway and it will be more fun for me and hopefully you to mash the headlines together. Thank you so much for tuning in to "news" designed to tune you out!

Anderson Cooper, anchor voted "most like me" by readers of this blog, reports on a guinea pig parade of Peru. fried pets

July 31 2008 Yoga for dogs?

Two water beasts surfaced today:
'Fishgator' caught in lake
Montauk 'monster'
Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Elizabeth Taylor take up 3 headlines furthering cnn's spiral into Entertainment Tonight formatting.

Yoga for dogs?
or doga, looks like a mess of writhing pets and masters kissing each other on mats.

July 30 2008 44-pound stray cat bulges out of box

Two newsworthy cat stories tonight.
Jesus' face seen in kitten's swirly fur if you lick its belly fur in place and take a picture of it. see also kitten with fur text.

44-pound cat found

1948 letter found in postal machinery
Bear stuck in jug is shot
the bear was followed for 6 days and over 60 miles with a plastic jar over its head. Attempts at tranquilizing and trapping the bear failed the report claims. They had 6 days and 60 miles!
Body found in airliner's restroom

Abuse of Executive Power Acceptable, Encouraged

CNN pokes fun at the impeachment hearings, calling it a waste of tax payer money!
Yes, calling the administration out on its over 35 impeachable offenses is a waste of time and money seeing as how the checks and balances of our faux-democracy have been eroded by this administration and our tax payer money has been diverted to corporate elite. The mere idea of engaging in dialogue is a laughable offense to cnn, dubbed democrat "stagecraft." Much less the hilarity of holding someone accountable for crimes and abuse of power.
The "news anchor," apparently suffering from ADD, swiftly racks focus from Bush to a "Cute Baby!" in the background. This is one of the worst distortions of news I have seen in a while. See also: actual content in the impeachment hearings

July 29 2008 Airport screeners trained to read emotions

Legend now paints with tennis balls Navratilova polka dots canvas with painted tennis balls. "When someone does it to the point where it looks easy, that's art."
Airport screeners trained to read emotions
Creators drop Scrabble Web knockoff - aah scrabulous

earthquake overload-

Astrologer didn't predict quake :51

Quake interrupts TV taping :45

Governor: 'We were very lucky' 2:11

Los Angeles earthquake 2:34

'I was bouncing around' 3:34

Quake shakes backyard 1:10

Earthquake makes messy desk

'It was very scary'

July 28 2008 Beer marathoners run, drink, vomit

This reminds me of running the Boston Marathon. The whole route is lined with friendly comrades cheering and handing you weird things like homemade oatmeal raisin cookies or glucose drenched orange slices. I recall grabbing a dixie cup full of water from some anonymous outstretched hand and slinging it back. I was shocked and then mildly amused to find I had swigged a shot of vodka at mile 18.

July 24 2008 Toy maker aims to shut down Scrabulous

An entire community was threatened today by the mere mention of scrapping scrabulous.
Scandalous, indeed.

July 23 2008 Fish eat feet in new pedicure

House passes mortgage rescue to bail out fannie and freddie mac with $300 billion in tax payer money. When they were making a profit did the surplus go back to the tax payer? Nope- it was wisely spent on campaign contributions and lobbyists! Further privatization of profits, socialization of risk.

McCain visits grocery store - at the end of this video, Too good to be true you can see McCain knock over apple sauce that was edited from the first story.
Fish eat feet in new pedicure -"that's just nasty" says one anchor. "that's foul. . . what is wrong with these people" reports the other. This clip also includes a "stupid criminal" story. Ha ha what fun they have delivering "news".

July 22 2008 Beaches plagued by gelatinous invaders

Cnn headlines the Time Mag Sci-fi inspired article, When Jellyfish Attack, about jellyfish along the coast of France. Chock full of invader references, the piece warns "there's more of that gummy pain on the way"

July 21 2008 Camera sees car knock man across diner

Huge math error in Katrina supply giveaway - a new twist in the katrina supply stockpile mentioned last week- oops $85 million was really more like $18.5 million worth of relief items not distributed to storm victims. Silly counters overvalued the crates of sporks at $36 million. They distributed only $36,000 worth of sporks to the wrong entities.
Loud bar music may get you drunk I'm pretty sure alcohol is the culprit, but it makes a catchy headline`.
UFOs blamed for nuke missile failures
more inexplicable to me - all 4 guests speaking of the military UFO cover-up are named Robert
Camera sees car knock man across diner
he finds his hat but can't seem to locate his smokes.